Tastes

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an urgent and important announcement to make- I’m Ron Burgundy and I’ve just had a beautiful and delicious scotch blended in my honor and I’d like to tell you all about it, so I need all of you to shut up and listen... As you all are certainly aware, I’m the lead anchor of the greatest news team in the world- KVWN’s Channel 4 News, out of San Diego California. The honorable people from Old Saint Andrews Distillery found out that I love scotch and they decided that the world’s “biggest deal” in reporting the news deserved a fine, blended scotch to call his own. We present to you, with much fanfare and grandiose trumpeteering, GREAT ODIN’S RAVEN! First, I believe this scotch was made in a distillery beside the caddy shack at the Old St. Andrews golf course, in downtown Scotland. TRUE STORY: I had lunch recently, in Temecula at a Taiwanese restaurant called The Dragon Eats The Mouse, with ex-NFL legend and Oscar-worthy actor Alex Karras, and he told me that while he was on the set of his hit television show Webster, he overheard Emmanuel Lewis say that I was mentioned as a possible lead in the Caddyshack movie for the character played by Oscar winner, Ted Knight. Now, I realize he put in a solid performance but could you even begin to imagine how good that movie would’ve been had I been cast in that predominant role? People would probably still be watching and quoting lines from the movie. CORRECTION: I was just informed that Ted Knight has never won an Oscar. What a travesty! Anywho, where was I? My Great Odin’s Raven scotch...I was told by my friend and style reporter, Brian Fantana, that I should tell you all about this wonderous libation: well, upon pouring it into my Channel 4 News mug, which I assure you is a completely acceptable way to drink your scotch whisky. The shape of the mug allows all the fresh aromas to ascend directly to the nostrils. Right away I should tell you that it’s quite pungent and stings those nostrils a bit. It’s a deep, rich mahogany in color and reminds me of all the old, leather bound books in my study. Old St Andrews actually used bits of my moustache hair as a filtration for this blend and I can see that a few made their way into my bottle. They’ve assured me that the human hair poses no direct threat to public health, so I’d say if you find some in your bottle- just go ahead and enjoy them. It’s just a little bit of me that will be in you. I wanna be in you. Continuing with the nosing...Like I said, it is pungent, but son-of-a-bee sting do I love it’s musk! Watch out for the musk- it’ll get ya! The oak charring assaults your sinuses like a wild animal in heat. This is how Veronica Corningstone and I smell when we make sex. It is amazing. I should add that I decided to partake in this sample while lounging at home one afternoon with a very close friend- let’s just call him Baxter- while Miss Corningstone was on assignment covering the area Cat Show at the local mall. That beautiful woman is going to be something someday- like maybe a sexy airline stewardess or a fashion magazine butt model. She has a spectacular heiny. Well, Baxter and I slipped into our PJ’s and we devoured this bottle of scotch alongside an entire wheel of cheese. Can you believe we ate the entire wheel? It was truly an afternoon delight. The flavors of this scotch are incredible. When it first hits your tongue there’s an intense sense that you’re eating Indian food that was prepared in a stall near the fighting pits of a Colosseum. The mixture of curried meat and man sweat is tantalizing. There’s a local San Diego club owner, Tino, and he makes an incredible dish of seared coyote heart- it reminds me of that. Very meaty and spicy. I would play jazz flute for free every time he makes me that dish. When in Rome. Channel 4’s sports reporter Champ Kind is a big fan of exciting finishes and I’m sure he’d relish the way Raven does- like a bottle of barbecue sauce smothered on a lady’s big, ole behind. Whammy!, indeed. Great Odin’s Raven really is a testament to blended scotch whisky. I’m proud to bring my star power over here to Distiller, which i believe is pronounced deez-tea-yhar and is the old Teotihuacan word for a porpoise’s anus. I also demanded that Old St. Andrews keep the price reasonable so that all of the people in Southern California could buy and enjoy it. Should I get that network anchor job, they will have to make even more for everyone around this great nation. While my lifetime supply is free, you can purchase it anywhere that fine spirits are sold for around $24. I recommend buying several bottles because the collectibility of this will be massive- just like the erection I get every time I drink it. Don’t act like you’re not impressed. You stay classy, Deez-tee-yhar.