I punched a donkey, once. It was at that weird dance hall in Tijuana. It just looked at me and kept right on dancing with that lady.

@Brian_Fantana - Miss Corningstone and I only participate in the missionary style of lovemaking. All of these other crazy positions are completely absurd and pointlessly uninspiring: the pile driver, reverse cowgirl, the wheelbarrow- I mean, come on gang! I would never do those things. I mean Donkey Punch- how does that work?

@RealRonBurgundy - haha, come on. You know that what you just described is already a thing, right? I mean I had 2 San Diego Chargers cheerleaders teach me that move weeks ago. That’s what they called it...”doggie style”. I mean, I get the reference and my tongue was wagging while it was happening. Don’t you know about that already, Ron?

Oh, Baxter. You are so wise beyond your dog years. If we were to dig into Uranus that way they’d have to give it a special name- preferably in your honor, my wise and furry friend. I suppose the style you suggest should be called something like, I don’t know, doggie style? Yes, that sounds appropriate and honors you so well. They should pound the hole in Uranus doggie style! Well done, Baxter. Bravo.

@RealRonBurgundy - Bark. Barkbark. Barkbarkbark. Growl. Bark. Bark. Sneeze. Bark bark.

@BrickTamland - now, Brick- I know you aren’t that idiotic and I see what you’re trying to do... How on Earth could we dig that far down into Uranus? We’d have to have the longest, strongest shaft and who knows how long and hard we’d have to pound Uranus to get in deep enough to not only live, but enjoy ourselves.

I’ve always dreamed on space travel. I think my favorite place to settle would be in Uranus. I know it’s cold there so we’d have to go deep inside. Go down deep in a big whole. I just wonder if it’ll smell bad that far down?

@Wes-Mantooth - whoa, you should take Champ up on that offer. He’s an excellent cameraman and commentator- he shot the full video of mine and Miss Veronica Corningstone’s lovemaking session a few weeks ago. He added some laser lights and sound effects and made it look like we were making erotic love across the universe. I was totally going where no man has ever gone before- if you know what I mean.

Well, now hold on a minute @Wes-Mantooth- whammy!, if you’re looking for a post-coitous interview from my sexual escapades with Mrs. Dorothy Mantooth I’ll be happy to give you the 4-1-1. Hell, I’ll even shoot some behind the scenes video for you fine folks over on Channel 9. You can call it some Behind The Bee-hind exclusives. WH-WH-WHAM! WHAMMY!!

I'll never let you get away with the things you've done...but for now I have a story I need to get to reporting. Apparently a couple are going to share their bed with some shellfish tonight and...DAMMIT!!! I HATE YOU GUYS

Ok gentlemen, and you too @Wes-Mantooth , lets all just take things down a notch. We don;t need to argue about who has an award winning scotch named after them and whose mother may or may not be violated by a lobster tonight. I'm calling an armistice for now.

Oohhh snap @Champ_Kind , you're turning into more of a ladies man than I am. Feel free to raid my cabinet and splash on a little London Gentleman for your date tonight. Make sure you bring protection though...those lobsters can really pinch if you let them loose in your bed and forget about them. Ah...memories.

AAAHHHHHHH!!!!! I'll kill you @Champ_Kind !! You stay away from my mother!!

Oh, sorry @Wes-Mantooth I thought I was texting your mother back. I guess our date for tonight is out there for everyone to picture vividly in their minds and can't unsee no matter how much Lifebuoy they try to wash their eyes out with. Whammy

Dorothy you dirty girl...talk like that reminds me of why I put up with your idiot son. What say you and me grab a lobster dinner and then have some fun with the melted butter?

And to you @Champ_Kind I am no longer going to acknowledge your existence on this app. You have insulted my poor saint of a mother's name once too many.

Soap eaters...soap eaters @RealRonBurgundy That's who you choose to hang out with. Need I say more? Can a man with such poor judgment in his friends be trusted to give people advice on which whisky to spend their hard earned money? I say no.

@BrickTamland you are truly a renaissance man. I tip my hat to you sir.

I don't eat soap. I just chew it until it's nice and soft, then I shape it into 16th century busts of British royalty. I have 3 Henry the VIII and an Edward the VI.

@BrickTamland are you saying that not only do you eat soap, but that you enjoy it and have preferred brands? Brick I think you should know that ingesting soap can cause serious health problems. You should probably go see a doctor.

I think Lifebuoy has a nice citrusy note with mild cedar undertones. For my money though, I think I'd go with Palmolive. It's subtle and satisfying and always available on sale.

Whoa there @Wes-Mantooth lets pump those rusty breaks there pal. This reminds me of the time Dorothy Mantooth told me of a young man who never listened to his mother and got into all kinds of trouble when he went around telling people that there were really fish eyes in the tapioca pudding. He made all the other children upset with his lies and his mother had to spank him and wash his mouth out with Lifebuoy soap. That story got my so randy she had to give me a spanking. Now who was that little boy that sparked such a passion fueled night? Oh wait, that was you...WHAMMY!

@proatc GIVE ME A BREAK!! This stuff isn't fit to clean the rust off of my breaks! @RealRonBurgundy one day I will make you see just how ridiculous you, your news team, and your scotch truly are. ONE DAY YOU'LL PAY!!

Well, you sir are clearly a man who knows his scotch. But dare I say, 100% of the time it works every time. I don’t mean to blow my own jazz flute, but the good people at St. Andrews really captured my essence when they bottled Great Odin’s Raven. From the gentle smoky notes to the ripe, ripe fruits of the Floridian heartlands. Yes it’s quite the self portrait. Dare I say...a mirror image of yours truly. Carry on good sir!