Tastes
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I’m just sifting through tobacco leaves, sitting on a weary, dusty mahogany throne adorned with a buffalo pelt overlooking a library of dusty tomes. Don’t mind me. You really need to love oak to like Orphan Barrel Rhetoric. A 20+ year old bourbon is not for those who want something alive and vibrant. But I love the old oaky stuff; the ancient wood oil and syrup that forms legs that do not fall; the smell of must and dust; the taste of leather and black cherries. This almost loses its bourboness and tastes like an over-oaked anything. I once had a Hart Brothers Strathisla single malt heading towards 40 years old that tasted similar. The spirit is gone, but you can still appreciate the senile, wrinkled complexity imparted by the wood. This deserves an oversized cognac snifter to appreciate. If you let this breath for a while, or add a few drops of water, it does wake up and offer some of the fruitier and spicier properties of a bourbon, but I prefer staring and nosing this antiquity neat, thinking if the Library of Alexandria melted and was bottled, it would taste something like this. Score: * (unforgettably good) How much does a bottle cost: Retail is around $140. Secondary market pricing is $200-450 How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $140140.0 USD per Bottle
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2019 St. Patrick’s Day, I said fuck it, and cracked open this 2011 vintage of Midleton Very Rare. I have struggled with sulfur in this bottle for about a year and two-thirds of the bottle. The luxury I get: from the decadent Double Tree cookie crust, to the exotic tartness of fresh goji berries, to the silky mouthfeel. I mean for goodness sakes, it comes in a wood box and it says “very rare” right on the bottle. But Connor McGregar farted into my bottle. Then, with about one-third of the bottle left, I decided to compare all my 40% ABV whiskies side by side, fully expecting Scapa 16 to be the winner. But this Midleton Very Rare was the clear winner, and the sulfur note was gone. This whole experience has left me rather confused. These Midleton Very Rare’s are collectible, and the 2011 was selling for about $500 when I opened it, when I paid $175 for it. I have never opened a bottle of Midleton Very Rare before. It was a terrible disappointment to taste fart for most of the bottle, but now I feel like I will actually miss this when it’s gone. And I may, some day, try a Very Rare release again, even though the whole “very rare” moniker and lack of transparency by Midleton is as offputting as the sulfur. This just goes to show that your opinion of a bottle towards the end may be very different from your opinion at the uncorking. Without the sulfur, this experience is that of a masterful blend with a definite single pot still signature, which I will always associate with cookies. There is a full complement of spices, fruits, fat oils, and earth. The complexity is miles ahead of mainstream luxury competitors such as JW Blue or Chivas Ultis. Even Macallan’s own “rare cask” can fuck off compared to this. However, the new versions of Very Rare are now north of $200 (and psst, they ain’t rare); and, if you are going to spend dough to get your socks blown off by an Irish, I recommend spending just a little bit more for Redbreast 21. Score: * (unforgettably good… eventually) How much does a bottle cost: New releases are $175-230. These bottles will reliably increase in price after a few years on secondary, although I don’t know how many suckers actually pay the prices. The 2011 is >$500. How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $140. Now that I know to wait a year if there is sulfur for the sulfur to go away.175.0 USD per Bottle
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Springbank 21 Batch 9 (That Boutique-y Whisky Co.)
Single Malt — Campbeltown, Scotland
Reviewed April 23, 2020 (edited November 12, 2020)Bottled in 2018 Batch #9. Bottle 77 of 398. Unless you are a sex enthusiast, if you are an enthusiast of anything else, you are going to encounter something better than sex. As an enthusiast of fine spirits, I am in constant danger of finding that tipple that might be better than sex. I am in constant danger of being offered sex, and telling my wife, “Uh, can we have that Springbank from That Boutique-y Whisky Company instead?” When you combine one the world’s best distilleries with one of the world’s best independent bottlers, you are threatening marriages! Can any man or woman have the charm of a Brora from the late 70s; a farmhouse funk side-by-side with fresh roses; a farm animal must side-by-side with freshly picked berries; a sooty smoke from a lineseed oil mill side-by-side with candied oranges and papayas? Can any man or woman taste as seductive being fat, leathery, and dirty? Porridge with walnut oil and honey. Marmalade with orange peels, cacao, and grass. There are no misplaced notes. Is this a divine creation? Eve’s rib. Or a Satanic trick? Forbidden fruits matured in staves made from the tree of knowledge? To take the devil’s side: there will be more opportunities to have sex than to try this whisky. This is especially true in the U.S. markets, where bottles from TBWC are limited to 375 mL rather than 500 mL. If you get your hands, nose, lips, and tongue on this liquid, sex can wait. And after the experience, you can tell your man or woman, “Please step up your sex game. This whisky is the new standard.” Score: **** (better than sex) How much does a bottle cost: $250-300 for 375 mL (half bottle) How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $300 for half bottle280.0 USD per Bottle -
Los Nahuales Anejo
Mezcal Añejo — Corral de Plaza, Mexico
Reviewed April 21, 2020 (edited April 22, 2020)Bottled in 2017 I don’t drink. I sip. And this is dangerously sippable stuff. The espadin agave has a presence, but gets support from barrel aging for 16 months in French and American oak. The oak influence smooths out some wrinkles by adding a nice honey and caramel coating, and turns up the volume with a black peppercorn kick. The heart note is still cooked agave, but it’s rather bland; shredded and seasoned green papaya and green pepper. The base note is an unripe wintermelon that you hit your younger brother for opening, except I don’t have a brother. Very sippable… The problem with this bottling is that it is being advertised as both “mezcal artesanal" and anejo (aged for at least one year in wood). This is the only anejo mezcal I have tried. I have come to understand that the most beautiful mezcals are joven (bottled directly from the still). Unlike whisky, all the complexity one could want, and all the love and craftsmanship a mezcal needs, can be stopped after distillation. An artisanal mezcal is a colorless one. Barrel aging is for either adding appeal for the gringoes or hiding flaws in the spirit. When I have this mezcal with some of my other mezcals, which are joven, I prefer the more traditional mezcals. When I have this with some Scotch, I tend to prefer the more mature and complementary barrel influence in a good Scotch. But, when I have this all by itself, it is a decent hybrid of the two that is very sippable. Score: 0 (forgettable) How much does a bottle cost: $85-110 How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $7087.0 USD per Bottle -
Glenfarclas 105 Cask Strength
Single Malt — Highlands, Scotland
Reviewed April 16, 2020 (edited October 12, 2020)Bottled in 2018 The archetypal modern NAS cask strength sherry bomb is Glenfarclas 105. That is to say, one spicy, woody, and nutty fucker that tastes nothing like sherry. Every distillery known for sherried whiskies is releasing a young cask strength expression and pricing it in the same range; I suspect it’s because they can make big margins off really young whisky matured in cheap made-to-order sherry casks. I can’t keep up with or tell the difference between all the examples; they all Hacksaw Jim Duggan your throat with a mass produced stave. Hoooo! You better add water to dilute this, in order to get a sherried whisky experience instead of a WWE one; perhaps a teaspoon per ounce. Then you get some sultanas, toffee, and nutmeg, and a nice oaky vanilla finish; rather than the blast of pepper, alcohol, and bitter oak if you try this neat. I got this bottle for sale at $58.99. At that rare price, I would buy this again. But usually these bottles approach $100. At that price, if I wanted a sherried Glenfarclas, I would spend a few extra bucks for a Glenfarclas 17; or, if I wanted a young sherry bomb, I would reach for an older bottling of Aberlour A’bunadh that I have stashed away. Score: 0 (forgettable) How much does a bottle cost: $70-100 How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $6059.0 USD per Bottle -
Bottled in 2016 (the 200th anniversary edition) This is a conspicuously young Lagavulin 8. Instead of the meaty, rich, barbequed smokiness of the Lagavulin 12 or 16, this one has an eyebrow raising fruity and sharp smokiness. The youth is very evident with notes of bright yellow citrus and pineapple, and hints of acetone. The underdeveloped wood influence mixed with the Newport menthol gives this a unique suggestion of pencil shavings. I am conflicted whether or not I like it. Usually when I give a whisky a score of 0, it is because it is forgettable. Lagavulin 8 is definitely not forgettable. It is unique, forceful, but flawed. It is a memorable whisky that I suspect I can pick out of a lineup of any dozen mainstream Islay whiskies. It is also memorable because it marks the first shortcut Lagavulin has taken. Lagavulin and Macallan are the two names I feel were at the pinnacle of scotch. Every release guaranteed quality. While Macallan has gone head first into the porn industry, Lagavulin is still somewhat proud. This 8 year old was not a fall, but perhaps a little stumble. But the Game of Thrones and Nick Offerman editions definitely tarnishes the brand. To better explain why I am, for the first time, giving an unforgettable whisky a score of 0, I will use film to provide analogy. I realize I am speaking to a potential audience of around 10 people in the world who share my combined whisky and film snobbery. Lagavulin 8 is like a film by Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream, Black Swan, Mother!, The Fountain, etc.). His films are thought-provoking and you cannot mistake his style; but there is an unpolished immaturity to his works that mistakes shock value for artistry. This is made more frustrating because the ideas are ingenious, but the final product lacks the soul that more maturity would offer. You know what I mean? No? Boy, I’m glad I got the tasting notes out of the way early. Score: 0 (unforgettable, but flawed) How much does a bottle cost: $50-75 How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $5575.0 USD per Bottle
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He reached into his pocket and found that he was out of rolling paper. The ashtray next to the cold, dead body was full with embers still warm and smoking, whispering to him to leave to buy more rolling paper. No. He would finish. The mourners would be gathering soon. He had already arranged the lilies and carnations; they sat in one corner of the room giving off a gentle floral spicy scent, which pleased him. He hated the cloying scent of most flowers, and sneered to himself as he imagined doing a wedding. In another corner of the room, he had already prepared the food. The last dish he made was a lemon and vanilla rice pudding. Always a hit. In a moment, the mishmash of aromas in the room will be unified by an emperor, when he opens the glass bottles of embalming solution. He loved that moment and he loved his work. Some may call him an undertaker; a mortician; or a funeral director. But he prefers No Name for what he does. Compass Box undersells themselves as whiskymakers. They author whiskies. Most of their whiskies make sense like a good story. This one is called “Chain smoking in a funeral home.” Carnations. Lemon rice pudding. Cigarettes. Formaldehyde. It has both the power of the anguished shrieks of the widow to greet you on the nose, and the delicate sympathetic tears of her friends in the soft and haunting finish. I went through my first bottle much too quickly, and I am fortunate to have a backup. This is in my top 3 Compass Box whiskies of all time. #1 is the Flaming Heart 15th anniversary edition. And #2 and #3 are a coin flip between this whisky and This is Not a Luxury Whisky. I guess No Name should take the #2 spot because it is about $100 cheaper. I’m not going to guess how old the Ardbeg, Caol Ila, or Clynelish is in this blend; and I’m not going to e-mail Compass Box either (apparently they will give you the ages of their blend components if you e-mail them). At this point, I am enjoying the magic so much, I don’t want to ruin it by knowing the tricks. Score: ** (unimaginably good) How much does a bottle cost: $120-180 How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $280120.0 USD per Bottle
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The Macallan Edition No. 1
Single Malt — Highlands, Scotland
Reviewed March 26, 2020 (edited July 6, 2022)Fuck you COVID and fellow humans, I have not seen Cottonelle on the shelves for weeks. Do you know how much a vintage 2020 Cottonelle is going to be worth at auction in a few years? There are no whiskies that are as analogous to my disappointment with the human race as the Macallan Edition series. Around the time Macallan Ed 3 was being released, I still had 3 out-of-the-way small local liquor stores carrying edition 1 with probably about a dozen bottles on the shelves between them. I knew this edition was much less common than the celebrated edition 2, so I wound up buying 3 bottles, one at each store (because I have decency), at prices ranging from $105-120. I had no idea the secondary market was about to lose their shit for this whisky. I soon saw prices at online stores go above $500, and a friend was like, “Oh my god! You have edition 1?” So, I tried to go back to those stores to buy a bottle for him, and just like that, all 12 or so bottles had vanished. I have an Instagram whisky account, I guess the hipsters shorten this to WhiskyGram, only because my wife wanted me on Instagram to compete with our dog’s account. My account is MaltyMemories, in case you’re interested. I’m not giving you my dog’s account, because she’s winning. I see accounts on Instagram with people showing off about a case of unopened Macallan Editions 1, 2, and even the later editions. People are snatching up editions 3, 4, and 5? Really? It is like snatching up Cottonelle toilet paper. I would like to have Cottonelle, but I’m not heartbroken buying Kirkland Signature. It’s toilet paper. Macallan Edition series is toilet paper. I tried to convince myself that Edition 1 is the best, because it is the rarest, but let’s be honest, Macallan Edition 2 is the aloe-infused, extra-plush standout roll of toilet paper that gave celebrity to the series. Edition 2 had a sensible and realized purpose. Edition 1 is a bunch of different woods. In the end, this is slightly stronger Macallan 12 sherry oak circa 2014-15. Yeah, there’s more wood spices, if you’re into that thing. This is the most traditional Macallan of the Edition series, if you’re into that thing. But there’s also younger whisky that makes an unwelcomed appearance on the finish. And, in the end, it’s boring. Like Cottonelle, if unopened, you may have next month’s rent, if you can find a sucker; but, once opened, it’s just toilet paper. Score: 0 (forgettable) How much does a bottle cost: $800-2000+ on secondary market How much do I think a bottle is worth: $100 (if you are planning to consume it).105.0 USD per Bottle -
Bottled 2012. This one has a little bit of a cult following. It’s bottled at 40%. Check. It’s chill-filtered. Check. It’s got artificial coloring added. Check. So, why the cult following? Right, so this one checks all the boxes for my opinion that a lot of whisky opinionators are missing the point. I don’t know why Scapa decided to water this whisky down to the minimum required ABV, or chill-filter, or add color; they certainly don’t have a mass market to appeal to. In the end, it does not matter. Whiskies are not cars, and I do not care about specs. This whisky is quirky; it has real soul; and that’s what matters. If it is anemic or anorexic, it is 1990s high fashion. Kate Moss playing with a rhubarb. Scapa 16 does not give a fuck. It is good without trying. I can see how people would say this is watery or lacks complexity. But those people are wrong. This dram is soft, natural, intricate, and methodical like watching a dandelion flower. At 40%, the power comes from the harmonies of flavors. Rhubarb, apple, and black pepper. Tomatillo, lemon, sea salt, and a hint of smoke. Apricots, drizzle of honey, a touch of fresh mint. It’s simply right. You can drink this rapido, and just appreciate the easy sip. Or, you can drink this pausado, and notice all the headnodding little notes that complement each other to produce a symphony. Would this be as memorable if it were non chill-filtered, natural color, and bottled at 46%? I don’t know. This whisky’s charm is its nonchalant brilliance. It is given the make-up of a mass-produced blended whisky, but nose it too long, and it will put a spell on you. Score: * (unforgettably good) How much does a bottle cost: Around $80 if you can hunt a dusty bottle at retail. $150-300 on secondary market. How much do I think a bottle is worth: $13080.0 USD per Bottle
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Port Charlotte PC5 Evolution
Single Malt — Islay, Scotland
Reviewed March 17, 2020 (edited May 14, 2020)Drinking bleach does not cure coronavirus. But, I’m not sure there isn’t a whisky that can’t. If there is one that might, what whisky would that be? Port Charlotte PC5 Evolution. 6,038 bottles were released in 2006. The few bottles that remain out there in the secondary market are now fetching $500-900. Well worth it, if it works against coronavirus. This is the whisky that has the purest “medicinal” profile that I have ever tried. PC5 is like fruits dissolved in 63.5% ethanol and 36.5% other chemical and organic solvents. Is there even water in here? There’s certainly butane, butyric acid, lactic acid, Sauerkraut water, and flaxseed oil. The funky smoke on this whisky is unbelievable. I don’t like cheese in general, and I hate stinky cheeses; but boy do I love stinky whiskies. In the mouth, this has an engine oil viscosity. The whisky is only 5 years old, and yet it offers an endless rich, farm smoke that feels 10,000 years old, and coiled inside the 7 invisible dimensions of string theory, freed only when you swallow and transition to the caliginous finish. Adding some water brings out the sweeter flavors for a more balanced whisky. There is some milk chocolate, vanilla yogurt, and ripe blueberries in there. But this whisky is so dominated by its acetic, poisonous smoke that these little peeps of benevolent notes are rather like intruders in a fathomless liquid that exists at the end of knowledge. I have never owned a bottle of PC5, and I still think my PC8 is the better whisky, but this is probably because understanding the naked singularity that is PC5 is beyond my mind’s abilities. Score: *** (I am not worthy) How much does a bottle cost on the secondary market: $500-900 How much do I think a bottle is worth: $50048.0 USD per Pour
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