Tastes

Bottled in 2019 So, I bought a house. When I closed, I had 25 days of having both the house and an apartment within a 15 minute drive of each other. So, I leisurely moved my whisky collection, a few backpacks at a time, until I realized all my whisky was at the house, but my bed was still at the apartment. I thought about one bottle to take back to the apartment to enjoy after a day of heavy lifting, and I chose this one: Compass Box Great King Street Glasgow Blend. This is the perfect Scotch whisky. It’s under $50. It’s widely available. It adds peat and sherry to a solid base of grain. Marrying peat and sherry is like the Holy Grail of scotch, and so many highly touted single malts, from my previously reviewed Laphroaig Lore, to the rarified Ardbeg Dark Cove offer false divinity in the form of apocryphal luxury. Leave it Compass Box to show us how things are done, at a fraction of the price. For its price, the Glasgow Blend is a miraculous whisky. Every component serves a purpose and adds to the glorious, but humble whole. The Cameron Bridge grain matured in first fill American oak barrels brings a spicy creaminess that is anchored by the waxiness of Clynelish. Sherry-matured Benrinnes is very underrated, offering a soft, sympathetic sweetness rather than the pompous and domineering sweetness of most sherried malts today. Finally, the Laphroaig (17% of this whisky!) is somehow tamed; it offers an un-shy drying smoke, but I would not be able to guess this was from Laphroaig versus Ardbeg or Caol Ila. The component whiskies are of course offered by Compass Box with a little bit of effort, but they could have just said, “These were bottles of water. And then Jesus touched them,” and I would have been fine with that. Score: ** (unimaginably good) How much does a bottle cost: $35-45 How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $70

Bottled in 2017 It took me a long time to try this. I was troubled by the thought that the supposed spiritual successor of Laphroaig 18 year old, one of my favorite whiskies, had no age statement, and the suspicious claim that it is “the richest ever Laphroaig!” I just thought, oh dear, Laphroaig 18 never tried to be the richest. I was fearful this “Lore” would be an amateur PX finish. My first impression of this whisky was that, I’ll be damned, it reminds me of Laphroaig 18. Medicinal smoke with an oily mouthfeel and grapefruit-flavored candies. And then I had it alongside Laphroaig 18, and it was a big disappointment. It’s was like that classic Katt Williams skit about how your Chrysler 300 looks sort of like a Bentley Phantom, until you pull up next to a Bentley Phantom. Laphroaig Lore is not Laphroaig 18. It reminded me of Laphroaig 18 because I had forgotten how awesome Laphroaig 18 was. And then I compared Lore with an older Laphroaig 10, bottled around 2012, and the Laphroaig 10 was much better. Laphroaig today is not Laphroaig yesterday. The difference is as stark as comparing something that is Scotch with something that is not. The Laphroaig 10 from 2012 is a beautiful, confident whisky that lets you approach it. Newer Laphroaigs, from the modern Laphroaig 10 to their Cairdeas bait, to this Laphroaig Lore is manic, insecure divebar trash that tries to approach you with the subtlety of Cthulhu. Laphroaig’s sad use of sherry casks is just shouting drunken nonsense to hide spirit of decreasing quality, like mini short jeans and flavored lipstick to hide a hollow personality. Ahem, that is still to say, if you turn your brain off, Laphroaig Lore can be competent, and even enjoyable. But, as soon, as you line this up with some real whisky, Lore just becomes this loud pink bubblegum pop! that you’ll be wise to avoid. If you want a Laphroaig today, go the independent bottler route. Score: 0 (forgettable) How much does a bottle cost: $90-140 How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $50

I’m just sifting through tobacco leaves, sitting on a weary, dusty mahogany throne adorned with a buffalo pelt overlooking a library of dusty tomes. Don’t mind me. You really need to love oak to like Orphan Barrel Rhetoric. A 20+ year old bourbon is not for those who want something alive and vibrant. But I love the old oaky stuff; the ancient wood oil and syrup that forms legs that do not fall; the smell of must and dust; the taste of leather and black cherries. This almost loses its bourboness and tastes like an over-oaked anything. I once had a Hart Brothers Strathisla single malt heading towards 40 years old that tasted similar. The spirit is gone, but you can still appreciate the senile, wrinkled complexity imparted by the wood. This deserves an oversized cognac snifter to appreciate. If you let this breath for a while, or add a few drops of water, it does wake up and offer some of the fruitier and spicier properties of a bourbon, but I prefer staring and nosing this antiquity neat, thinking if the Library of Alexandria melted and was bottled, it would taste something like this. Score: * (unforgettably good) How much does a bottle cost: Retail is around $140. Secondary market pricing is $200-450 How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $140

2019 St. Patrick’s Day, I said fuck it, and cracked open this 2011 vintage of Midleton Very Rare. I have struggled with sulfur in this bottle for about a year and two-thirds of the bottle. The luxury I get: from the decadent Double Tree cookie crust, to the exotic tartness of fresh goji berries, to the silky mouthfeel. I mean for goodness sakes, it comes in a wood box and it says “very rare” right on the bottle. But Connor McGregar farted into my bottle. Then, with about one-third of the bottle left, I decided to compare all my 40% ABV whiskies side by side, fully expecting Scapa 16 to be the winner. But this Midleton Very Rare was the clear winner, and the sulfur note was gone. This whole experience has left me rather confused. These Midleton Very Rare’s are collectible, and the 2011 was selling for about $500 when I opened it, when I paid $175 for it. I have never opened a bottle of Midleton Very Rare before. It was a terrible disappointment to taste fart for most of the bottle, but now I feel like I will actually miss this when it’s gone. And I may, some day, try a Very Rare release again, even though the whole “very rare” moniker and lack of transparency by Midleton is as offputting as the sulfur. This just goes to show that your opinion of a bottle towards the end may be very different from your opinion at the uncorking. Without the sulfur, this experience is that of a masterful blend with a definite single pot still signature, which I will always associate with cookies. There is a full complement of spices, fruits, fat oils, and earth. The complexity is miles ahead of mainstream luxury competitors such as JW Blue or Chivas Ultis. Even Macallan’s own “rare cask” can fuck off compared to this. However, the new versions of Very Rare are now north of $200 (and psst, they ain’t rare); and, if you are going to spend dough to get your socks blown off by an Irish, I recommend spending just a little bit more for Redbreast 21. Score: * (unforgettably good… eventually) How much does a bottle cost: New releases are $175-230. These bottles will reliably increase in price after a few years on secondary, although I don’t know how many suckers actually pay the prices. The 2011 is >$500. How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $140. Now that I know to wait a year if there is sulfur for the sulfur to go away.

Bottled in 2018 Batch #9. Bottle 77 of 398. Unless you are a sex enthusiast, if you are an enthusiast of anything else, you are going to encounter something better than sex. As an enthusiast of fine spirits, I am in constant danger of finding that tipple that might be better than sex. I am in constant danger of being offered sex, and telling my wife, “Uh, can we have that Springbank from That Boutique-y Whisky Company instead?” When you combine one the world’s best distilleries with one of the world’s best independent bottlers, you are threatening marriages! Can any man or woman have the charm of a Brora from the late 70s; a farmhouse funk side-by-side with fresh roses; a farm animal must side-by-side with freshly picked berries; a sooty smoke from a lineseed oil mill side-by-side with candied oranges and papayas? Can any man or woman taste as seductive being fat, leathery, and dirty? Porridge with walnut oil and honey. Marmalade with orange peels, cacao, and grass. There are no misplaced notes. Is this a divine creation? Eve’s rib. Or a Satanic trick? Forbidden fruits matured in staves made from the tree of knowledge? To take the devil’s side: there will be more opportunities to have sex than to try this whisky. This is especially true in the U.S. markets, where bottles from TBWC are limited to 375 mL rather than 500 mL. If you get your hands, nose, lips, and tongue on this liquid, sex can wait. And after the experience, you can tell your man or woman, “Please step up your sex game. This whisky is the new standard.” Score: **** (better than sex) How much does a bottle cost: $250-300 for 375 mL (half bottle) How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $300 for half bottle

Bottled in 2018 The archetypal modern NAS cask strength sherry bomb is Glenfarclas 105. That is to say, one spicy, woody, and nutty fucker that tastes nothing like sherry. Every distillery known for sherried whiskies is releasing a young cask strength expression and pricing it in the same range; I suspect it’s because they can make big margins off really young whisky matured in cheap made-to-order sherry casks. I can’t keep up with or tell the difference between all the examples; they all Hacksaw Jim Duggan your throat with a mass produced stave. Hoooo! You better add water to dilute this, in order to get a sherried whisky experience instead of a WWE one; perhaps a teaspoon per ounce. Then you get some sultanas, toffee, and nutmeg, and a nice oaky vanilla finish; rather than the blast of pepper, alcohol, and bitter oak if you try this neat. I got this bottle for sale at $58.99. At that rare price, I would buy this again. But usually these bottles approach $100. At that price, if I wanted a sherried Glenfarclas, I would spend a few extra bucks for a Glenfarclas 17; or, if I wanted a young sherry bomb, I would reach for an older bottling of Aberlour A’bunadh that I have stashed away. Score: 0 (forgettable) How much does a bottle cost: $70-100 How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $60

Bottled in 2016 (the 200th anniversary edition) This is a conspicuously young Lagavulin 8. Instead of the meaty, rich, barbequed smokiness of the Lagavulin 12 or 16, this one has an eyebrow raising fruity and sharp smokiness. The youth is very evident with notes of bright yellow citrus and pineapple, and hints of acetone. The underdeveloped wood influence mixed with the Newport menthol gives this a unique suggestion of pencil shavings. I am conflicted whether or not I like it. Usually when I give a whisky a score of 0, it is because it is forgettable. Lagavulin 8 is definitely not forgettable. It is unique, forceful, but flawed. It is a memorable whisky that I suspect I can pick out of a lineup of any dozen mainstream Islay whiskies. It is also memorable because it marks the first shortcut Lagavulin has taken. Lagavulin and Macallan are the two names I feel were at the pinnacle of scotch. Every release guaranteed quality. While Macallan has gone head first into the porn industry, Lagavulin is still somewhat proud. This 8 year old was not a fall, but perhaps a little stumble. But the Game of Thrones and Nick Offerman editions definitely tarnishes the brand. To better explain why I am, for the first time, giving an unforgettable whisky a score of 0, I will use film to provide analogy. I realize I am speaking to a potential audience of around 10 people in the world who share my combined whisky and film snobbery. Lagavulin 8 is like a film by Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream, Black Swan, Mother!, The Fountain, etc.). His films are thought-provoking and you cannot mistake his style; but there is an unpolished immaturity to his works that mistakes shock value for artistry. This is made more frustrating because the ideas are ingenious, but the final product lacks the soul that more maturity would offer. You know what I mean? No? Boy, I’m glad I got the tasting notes out of the way early. Score: 0 (unforgettable, but flawed) How much does a bottle cost: $50-75 How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $55

He reached into his pocket and found that he was out of rolling paper. The ashtray next to the cold, dead body was full with embers still warm and smoking, whispering to him to leave to buy more rolling paper. No. He would finish. The mourners would be gathering soon. He had already arranged the lilies and carnations; they sat in one corner of the room giving off a gentle floral spicy scent, which pleased him. He hated the cloying scent of most flowers, and sneered to himself as he imagined doing a wedding. In another corner of the room, he had already prepared the food. The last dish he made was a lemon and vanilla rice pudding. Always a hit. In a moment, the mishmash of aromas in the room will be unified by an emperor, when he opens the glass bottles of embalming solution. He loved that moment and he loved his work. Some may call him an undertaker; a mortician; or a funeral director. But he prefers No Name for what he does. Compass Box undersells themselves as whiskymakers. They author whiskies. Most of their whiskies make sense like a good story. This one is called “Chain smoking in a funeral home.” Carnations. Lemon rice pudding. Cigarettes. Formaldehyde. It has both the power of the anguished shrieks of the widow to greet you on the nose, and the delicate sympathetic tears of her friends in the soft and haunting finish. I went through my first bottle much too quickly, and I am fortunate to have a backup. This is in my top 3 Compass Box whiskies of all time. #1 is the Flaming Heart 15th anniversary edition. And #2 and #3 are a coin flip between this whisky and This is Not a Luxury Whisky. I guess No Name should take the #2 spot because it is about $100 cheaper. I’m not going to guess how old the Ardbeg, Caol Ila, or Clynelish is in this blend; and I’m not going to e-mail Compass Box either (apparently they will give you the ages of their blend components if you e-mail them). At this point, I am enjoying the magic so much, I don’t want to ruin it by knowing the tricks. Score: ** (unimaginably good) How much does a bottle cost: $120-180 How much do I think a bottle is worth?: $280

Fuck you COVID and fellow humans, I have not seen Cottonelle on the shelves for weeks. Do you know how much a vintage 2020 Cottonelle is going to be worth at auction in a few years? There are no whiskies that are as analogous to my disappointment with the human race as the Macallan Edition series. Around the time Macallan Ed 3 was being released, I still had 3 out-of-the-way small local liquor stores carrying edition 1 with probably about a dozen bottles on the shelves between them. I knew this edition was much less common than the celebrated edition 2, so I wound up buying 3 bottles, one at each store (because I have decency), at prices ranging from $105-120. I had no idea the secondary market was about to lose their shit for this whisky. I soon saw prices at online stores go above $500, and a friend was like, “Oh my god! You have edition 1?” So, I tried to go back to those stores to buy a bottle for him, and just like that, all 12 or so bottles had vanished. I have an Instagram whisky account, I guess the hipsters shorten this to WhiskyGram, only because my wife wanted me on Instagram to compete with our dog’s account. My account is MaltyMemories, in case you’re interested. I’m not giving you my dog’s account, because she’s winning. I see accounts on Instagram with people showing off about a case of unopened Macallan Editions 1, 2, and even the later editions. People are snatching up editions 3, 4, and 5? Really? It is like snatching up Cottonelle toilet paper. I would like to have Cottonelle, but I’m not heartbroken buying Kirkland Signature. It’s toilet paper. Macallan Edition series is toilet paper. I tried to convince myself that Edition 1 is the best, because it is the rarest, but let’s be honest, Macallan Edition 2 is the aloe-infused, extra-plush standout roll of toilet paper that gave celebrity to the series. Edition 2 had a sensible and realized purpose. Edition 1 is a bunch of different woods. In the end, this is slightly stronger Macallan 12 sherry oak circa 2014-15. Yeah, there’s more wood spices, if you’re into that thing. This is the most traditional Macallan of the Edition series, if you’re into that thing. But there’s also younger whisky that makes an unwelcomed appearance on the finish. And, in the end, it’s boring. Like Cottonelle, if unopened, you may have next month’s rent, if you can find a sucker; but, once opened, it’s just toilet paper. Score: 0 (forgettable) How much does a bottle cost: $800-2000+ on secondary market How much do I think a bottle is worth: $100 (if you are planning to consume it).